We’re Having a Boy!
We’re having a boy… and he’s all kinds of wonderful.
Motherhood… It’s Hard Sometimes
I had blissful plans today of taking Eliza to pre-school for a couple hours while I could sit comfortably at the library to write this post.
… Things did not go as planned. I was not able to leave her at school… so I figured nap time would be my refuge.
Well… It’s nap time, and my fiery girl is tantruming in her crib. I will spare the story, but let’s just say the terrible twos are for real.
I love her dearly. She is my world, my 24-hour a day, 7-day a week job, 365-day a year job… and I adore her endlessly… to the moon and back. My Liza Bean totally has me wrapped around her little finger, and I’m a sucker for her. As I sit here trying to be strong while I listen to her tantrum, I’m tired and at a loss. I hate when she’s sad… even when she’s just being a “terrible”/ no idea what she wants two-year-old (with unreasonable demands and manipulative tricks up her sleeve to avoid her nap).
We’re Pregnant Again!
And on that note… we’re pregnant again! We’re having a boy… I have so many feelings, but mostly… I can’t wait to grow our young family.
Feeling #1: Kids are the most amazing creatures in the whole world.
Feeling #2: Motherhood is the most beautiful and simultaneously challenging thing that I’ve ever done.
It’s endlessly rewarding and 100% worth it, but some days… it’s hard man! I think this time (via experience)… I have a bit more of an idea what we’re getting into 😉
#3: We are having a boy… and I’m nervous!
When I was first pregnant with Eliza, I was convinced she was a boy. When I learned she was a girl, I was shocked and clueless about what to do with girls. I grew up with 4 brothers, and I always thought it was my lot in life to also have boys. It has been so fun to have a girl though… and I’m grateful for her every day!
I had a hunch that this one was a boy (because physically I felt so different with this pregnancy), but when I saw Steven hit that blue smoke bomb… truthfully my heart sank just a little bit.
- “What do I do with boys?” (Like I forgot or something)…
- “I only have girl stuff… this means I have to go buy boy stuff!”
- “Do I circumcise his little member or not?!?” <– I’m actually loosing sleep over this one.
But then I realize that all of these feelings about having a boy have nothing to do with my sweet boy… and they have everything to do with me and my fears. <— Agh fears…. always getting in the way of ANYTHING that is good in life.
So if we’re reallllly going to get down to the root of my problems about the fact that we’re having a boy… go to that level… basically I’m forever traumatized over the loss of my brother, and I’m scared for completely irrational reasons. I won’t share too much here, because thankfully… time and therapists (husbands) work great with things like this.
#4: I’m in LOOOVE
Despite all my craziness… I’m in love… and I want to shout it from the rooftops. Every time I feel him kick and every time I see him on the ultrasound, he melts me. I am just destroyed by the sweet love and innocence contained in all 12 ounces of his little body (current estimated fetal weight ;).
#5 Battling Fear
I’m still working through my fears… I’ve made it through the fear of having a boy, but the fear of loss continues to paralyze me. I don’t ever want to experience it again.
Every shopping trip I make to Target, I find myself sprinting past the baby clothes isle.
Maybe… if I don’t buy him any clothes, then this isn’t real, and if I loose him… it won’t be so hard… because it isn’t real.
Irrational fears, and I’m so crazy.
Yep… still working on this. I’m not convinced that the wild animal that yells stupid thoughts at me all day (my subconscious mind) will ever completely quiet down… but Steven, my family, my faith, the therapy tricks I learned in school, and some other methods I’ve been experimenting with lately definitely help. I think I’ll try to be brave sometime soon and go buy him a hat 🙂
#6 I feel different
This time around… the first trimester was a nauseating nightmare. Working out feels harder, I feel bigger, my skin/ hair are terrible and I’m less emotional. So I figured… must be a boy in there!
#7 Not looking forward to a C-section
We could go over my medical history in detail… but basically:
- My body doesn’t labor.
- I’m probably going to have another big baby (Stevens fault for being a 10.5 lb. baby, right?)
- And I have some rare condition called a bandl’s ring.
^^ All reasons for which it is probably safer to schedule a C-section.
Not excited about it… wish I could do it the other way… but grateful to modern medicine for the gift of a safe/ healthy alternative delivery route.
Thinking that sums up most of my feelings… but mostly I’m just trying to be less irrational, and I am counting down the days until I can hold my sweet boy.
Also… because it’s better late than never… I wanted to share some of my favorite pictures from our fall photo shoot that we took with Nicolette Monson Photography.
Peace + Love… Thank’s for reading friends!